No Filter by Orlagh Collins

Author:Orlagh Collins
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing

LIAM

Dancing in the moonlight

I’ve been creeping around all week; scheming and skulking, but mostly dreaming. Tonight’s the night and I’ve a head full of lists and a savage longing raging through me, distracting me from even the most simple task. Laura caught me talking to myself in the bathroom yesterday and I had to pretend I was on the phone and now Da’s standing in the corner of my room in a ferocious-looking hump. It’s not easy getting private thinking time in this house.

‘Who’s been on the computer?’ he says, as if being on the computer was an unusual, shocking thing to be doing. ‘There’s all these pages open on the machine below.’

It takes me a minute to cop what he’s on about, but then I remember, it was me. Last night it felt possible to dream alone in the dark as the house slept, Google throwing up results to all sorts of questions I’d never before dared to ask. I dreamt how easy it would be to sit down and talk to him and Mam rationally, and explain that I’ve found a music production course, a proper degree. But now, as he stands there in his stained overalls, holding a piece of half-eaten toast an inch from his lips, I don’t know what madness had come over me.

I look at the clock – it’s only nine minutes past seven and I’m not even working today. ‘Good morning to you too, Da.’

He just scratches himself, blind to the interruption. ‘It’s taking me ages to shut them all down. Who’s been looking at all those …’ he waves his giant hand in the air dismissively, ‘music playing courses anyway?’ he says, before taking a bite and chomping away loudly.

‘You know you can open a new tab?’

‘I know that,’ he says, glaring at me. ‘But who’s planning a move to Galway, or bloody Manchester, is what I want to know?’ He’s clearly been through all the sites. There’s a horror in his voice that makes us both go silent. His face twists with confusion. ‘’Twas hardly your sister?’

For a second I genuinely consider shunting it on to Laura, but even I know this is raving. ‘I was just having a look …’

His arm falls by his side. ‘I’m not sure this family needs a deluded idler right now. D’you?’ he asks, the toast crust hanging loose, like it’s about to drop from his fingers.

‘It was … for Em,’ I stammer. ‘She’s talking about coming over here for college in a few years.’ I add this on as casually as I can.

‘Jaysus,’ he says, not even trying to hide his disgust. ‘You’ve only known the girl a couple of weeks.’

He walks out leaving the door wide open. What was I thinking, expecting a rational conversation with that man?

I’ve checked my list twice now. Everything’s packed neatly under the tarp, exactly like it is on Saturday mornings with Da, but this time instead of supplies from McCabes, the boat is packed with our own smaller cargo.

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